Opening Lines

Not pickup lines, but opening lines to albums. Meaning the first words on the first song. The most important lines in the album--if you don't catch your listener in the first track, they might put the album down. Of course, that doesn't mean the first track has to have a great opening line, but it's got to have something. Some great first lines are poetic, some are funny, and some just do a damn good job of introducing the rest of the album.

Great opening tracks in general or great lines would be much wider nets, and the opening track idea has already been done in the seminal music snobbery movie High Fidelity. So we're going to focus on first lines. Here's what I got (and would also really appreciate suggestions):


Artist-Song (Album): Lyrics

Bob Dylan-Like a Rolling Stone (Highway 61 Revisited: Once upon a time / you dressed so fine / threw the bums a dime in your prime / didn't you? / people'd call / say beware doll / you're bound to fall / you thought they were all / a kiddin' you

Deer Tick-Ashamed (War Elephant): I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet / but I am broken and torn with heels on my feet / and with your purest lifeline won't you shine on me / why I shoulda' been an angel / but I'm too dumb to speak

Devin Davis-Iron Woman (Lonely People of the World, Unite!): It's hard to live in a basement / and not get carried away / when you're a caveman on the pavement / in the USA

Interpol-Untitled I (Turn on the Bright Lights): Surprise sometimes / I'll come around / I will surprise you sometime / I'll come around

Wilco-Misunderstood (Being There): When you're back in your old neighborhood / the cigarettes taste so good / but you're so misunderstood

Concretes-Say Something New (The Concretes): What a strange thing to say / as you passed me on / your way out / and all the things I had in mind / for you and me / well say something new

Kelley Stoltz-Wave Goodbye (Below the Branches): Find a thing that / makes you happy / find a thing that / gets you high / pack your worries / in a suitcase / send them off and / say goodbye

Kings of Leon-Knocked up (Because of the Times): I don't care what nobody says / we gonna have a baby / taking off in a coupe de ville / she buckled up on navy / she don't care what her mama said, no / she's gonna have my baby

Magnetic Fields-Absolutely Cuckoo (69 Love Songs): Dont' fall in love with me yet / we only recently met / true I'm in love with you but / you might decide I'm a nut / give me a week or two to / go absolutely cuckoo / then when you see your error / then you can flee in terror

Modest Mouse-Third Planet (The Moon and Antarctica): Everything that keeps us together is falling apart / I got this thing that I consider my only art / of fucking people over

The National-Fake Empire (Boxer): Stay out super late tonight / picking apples / making pies / put a little something in our lemonade / and take it with us

Bon Iver-Flume (For Emma, Forever Ago): I am my mother's only one / it's enough / I wear my garment so it shows / now you know

Silver Jews-Random Rules (American Water): In 1984, I was hospitalized for approaching perfection / slowly screwing my way across Europe / I had to make a correction

Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson-Buriedfed (Self-Titled): This is my last song about myself

Avett Brothers-The Traveling Song (A Carolina Jubilee): Well I guess if my daddy hadn't brought me up / down a long dirt road in a pickup truck / I'd feel alright neath city lights / couldn't lead the city life / it just ain't right.

Beach Boys-Wouldn't It Be Nice (Pet Sounds): Wouldn't it be nice if we were older / then we wouldn't have to wait so long / and wouldn't it be nice to live together / in the kind of world where we belong / I know it's gonna make it that much better / when we can say goodnight and stay together

Bill Callahan-Jim Cain (Sometimes I wish we were an eagle): I started out in search of / ordinary things / how much of a tree bends in the wind / I started telling the story without knowing the end

Chad Van Gaalen-Willow Tree (Soft Airplane): Sleep All day / just waiting for the sun to set / I hang my clothes / up on the line / when I die / I'll hang my head beside the willow treee / when I'm dead / is when I'll be free

Neil Young- (Harvest): Think I'll pack it in / and buy a pickup / take it down to LA / find a place to call my own / and try to fix up/ start a brand new day

Of MOntreal-Doing nothing (Adhils Arboretum): Nothing / we're doing nothing / sitting and wondering / why nothing's happening?

Whiskeytown-The Ballad of Carol Lynn (Pneumonia): Loving You / has gotten weird

White Stripes-You're Pretty Good Looking for a Girl (De Stijl) Oh yeah / you're pretty good looking / for a girl

Weezer-Tired of Sex (Pinkerton): I'm tired / so tired / I'm tired of having sex

The Velvet Underground-Candy Says(The Velvet Underground): Candy says / "I've come to hate my body / and all that it requires / in this world"

The Shins-Caring is Creepy (Oh, Inverted World)- I think I'll / go home and mull this over / before they cram it down my throat

Spoon-Everything Hits at Once (Girls Can Tell): Don't say a word / the last one's still still stinging

The Wrens-The House that Guilt Built (Meadowlands): Its been so long / since you’ve heard from me / got a wife and kid / that I never see / and I’m nowhere near / what I dreamed I’d be / I can’t believe / what life has done to me

Thunderclap Newman-Something in the Air (Hollywood Dream): Comb out the instigators / because there's something in the air / we've got to get together sooner or later / because the revolution's here


Ok...that's all I could come up with. Your turn.

MTV doesn't care about Destiny's Child

As you probably read on other people's facebook status' or twitter (I'm assuming no one actually watches these things after they get out of middle school...hmm maybe should replace "assuming" with "hoping"), Kanye West made quite the impression last night after Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. A quick recap: Taylor Swift wins award, says thanks in short speech, and Kanye jumps in, takes the mic, and says "Yo Taylor I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time." Crowd unhappy. People mad at Kanye? My thoughts? Glad you asked.

I love Kanye. Not for his leftish-leaning politcal rants, not for his music (which is often great but falls prey to many of the same issues plaguing all rappers these days), and not for his style, but for his passion.

As for last night's event, he owes Taylor Swift an apology. No doubt. That said, he's one of my favorite artists out there because of what he did. He has opinions about music, it's not just something he does, but an integral part of his life. Last year facing the death of a family member and the loss of a fiancee, he refused to retreat, and instead put his issues into his music. I thought the album (808s and Heartbreak) was great, less because of the music, and more because of the emotion. He's a man that cannot separate his life from his music, and we're all better off for it (um, except for Taylor Swift I guess). And shit, this is even better than that--Kanye's not just passionate about his own music, but passionate about someone else's. I guarantee that Kanye's heard more music than just about every other artist that was present last night. It's hard to imagine many other musicians today getting that impassioned about someone else's work.

Point being, that fuck all of these sad sacks who have their songs and music written for them, and at the end of the day cannot wait to escape the studio or whatever so they can go take pictures for the new issue of In Touch and talk to their agent about getting into the next Hannah Montana movie. Kanye may be brazen and egotistical, but at least he gives a fuck about music. That's something I can identify with.

99 Problems

So the new Jay-Z album came out today, destined to be one of the three rap albums I hear per year. Which got me to thinking--is Jay-Z still relevant? Does this record matter if it isn't any better than Reasonable Doubt or the original Blueprint? My first thought was that yes, it matters, because he dates this young lady. This thought was echoed by a friend, meaning that it wasn't only me that first thought of Ms. Knowles. But would Jay-Z take comfort in that? What a sad state of affairs it must be for him if his credentials are provided not by himself, but by 1/3 of Destiny's Child. And who knows what the relationship is like now that the power/fame/talent equilibrium is shifting quickly, but that's a question for someone else. Instead, I'm going to "live-blog" my first listen to the album. In quotes because really I'm typing into a Word Doc and then pasting this later. But, you get the point. Anyhow, The Blueprint 3 is no lightweight, with 15 songs coming in at under an hour. This better be good, because I'm delaying watching the first episode of Season 3 of The Wire for this. So, eh, here goes:

10:11 PM--Fuck, this is going to take an hour, and I have to be at work early to go to Baltimore. Oh well. First track is "What we Talkin' About" feat. Luke Steele. Nothing that impressive in the lyrics, mostly a repeat of talkin about ____ or about ____. Now fill in 2 opposite things. Like truth and fiction. I can't remember if he said white or black but it would have been fitting. 1:36 in a bridge, now he's got a kind of sing-songy voice but not saying anything more interesting. Not one to judge early but this could be a long fucking hour. I mean who likes this track? Not really something for headphones, and I can't see people dancing to this. Even the weird dancing chicks at K Street Lounge and their apparent sugar daddies probalby wouldn't get into this, and they were dancing to fucking Nickelback. I'm bored. 30 second outtro.

10:17--track 2, finally (had to pause for a bit). Called Thank You, no feat. Ok...so on this one he starts by thanking his fans...and then he starts bragging about all he's done. What the fuck? If this is our song, as he says, why brag? What kind of person has to validate themselves while issuing a thank you? Even after millions of albums? And just missed it but a reference to an "8-ball." When was the last time Jay-Z dealt drugs? Did drugs (marijuana doesn't count)? Blah. Maybe he doesn't have anything to rap about anymore.

10:21--bored and checking my email. Fuck.
10:22--Third track is DOA, Death of Autotune. And I actually like the instrumentation here, a little guitar, a little sax, a little rap. This track could hold up to some other things he's done. I mean a lot of less than clever braggadocio, but he gets away with it here because of the overall sound. That said, Autotune ain't always bad, as Kanye proved last year and I explained in my year end piece. As the track closes, I will say that his words just aren't pulling me in the way they need to on this album. Not sure if it's because I'm tired, or this album is tired.

10:25--getting some ice cream. Need to buy some good shit because my roomate eats the store brand. Some things are worth paying for. Good ice cream is one of them.

10:26--Track 4 Run This Town with Rihanna and Kanye. Ok, I like this song. I think it was on a commercial. First one where I feel like I want to go back to the beginning and hear it again. Another guitar in the background, pretty bare other than that and some drums. He's singing a bit here, and holding hard to the rhyme scheme and the guitar line. Melodies sound good, who knew? Solid opening couplet about the color black. Seriously.

10:31--Eyelids getting heavy. Fuck I'm old. Is it sad that I want to stop listening to this and go read my book before I go to bed? I may be my father's son, but I've adopted way too many of my mom's habits.

10:32--Track 5, Empire State of Mind, pushing on. Featuring Alicia Keys, apple of Bob Dylan's eye. More upbeat and a heavier bass than we've heard thusfar. "I'm black (not the word he used) Sinatra." Nice. The high notes on the piano are good, balance out the low lines. Guarantee I'm going to watch some drunk girls dance to this song this fall. You will too, especially if you live in New York City. Name-drops Lebron and D-Wade. Alicia Keys only sings the chorus, guess she didn't want to rap on this one. Pretty good chorus though. WAIT, she does fucking rap, unreal. Hold on I gotta listen to that again. Ok, kind of, it's a rap/sing, but she does do that "uh, yeah, uh, yeah" stuff on the beat, which is...disturbing/definitely means it was a rap? Ok, what started off as a total failure has picked up from tracks 3-5.

10:38--Track 6, Real as it Gets feat. Young Jeezy. Ok, fuck this, I dont' give a shit about Young Jeezy, I'm out for this track. Why must there be guest spots? I really don't get it. Your fans bought your album, impress them. If that means it's gotta be 12 tracks instead of 15, fine. Or, join the Wu-Tang Clan and you can all rap. But this is a Jay-Z album, I only want to hear Jay-Z rap, and whoever the fuck he wants to sing the choruses. Next track.

10:40--On to the Next one feat. Swizz Beatz This sounds like a Nelly song. Is Nelly featured (checks computer)? Nope. Wouldn't be surprised. References the Jonas Brothers (does Jay-Z have kids? is this because they played with Stevie Wonder? what the fuck?). This track sucks. "On to the next one."

10:42--This goes quicker when i skip the second half of the track, noted. Track 8 Off That feat. Drake. I think we could cut 30 second off of every track if we didn't have to listen to Jay-Z and his guest start talk (and, now that I think about it, 30 seconds off the end if we took out the outtros). Ok this sound is a bit different, but I'm not sure if I like it. Is that a xylophone? Uh, ok. Shout out to Barack, and then "tell rush limbaugh to get off my balls." Which I guess is kind of funny, and sounds good, but can't he do better than that?

10:46-- Track 9 A star is born. Still referencing P-Diddy. Then illmatic. Others. This is like Rivers Cuomo singing Heart Songs. Also reminds me of people reminiscing about how great high school was. Either way, I'm not interested.

10:49--I'm reading The Historian, by the way. It's pretty good, at least early on. At this point it has more pull than the past 3 songs.

10:50--Ok, I couldn't make it through the whole thing. To be continued...

A couple of days later...

Ok, got 6 more tracks to get through. Let's do this shit.

9:25--Track 10 Venus vs. Mars. Just finished an episode of the Wire so not jonesing for that as much as last time. Is this like men are from mars, women are from Venus? Let's hope not. Rhymes: She's a mac, I'm a PC. Sighs. Done with this one. Really? Jay-Z, you're looking to self-help books for inspiration? Fuck. "shorty like pepsi, me I'm a coke man." Did you get the double entendre? Good job.

9:27--Track 11, Already Home feat Kid Cudi. Ready for this to be over. Not much going on in this song until about 0:52 in. Wasted time. The rest of the song isn't objectionable. But I think Jay-Z needs me to edit his songs. Or he needs to stop giving out these guest spots to singers and guarantee them a useless 1:30 sandwiching what people actually bought the CD to hear. At this point, I'm just frustrated, this song isn't bad but I'm skipping it and what is probably a 45 second outtro.

9:30--Track 12 Hate feat Kanye. I like Kanye, how's this gonna go? Forgettable. I started checking my email and got distracted.

9:32--ok, halfway through the next track when I finally get back to it. Called Reminder. This isn't awful but the chorus kind of sucks. Sounds like a guy singing after inhaling helium. Big fucking claim: "only the Beatles, nobody else ahead of me." Umm...no. I mean...just, no. Later, I'm going to figure out how many are ahead, I'm sure it's at least 5, maybe 10. 3 or 4 great albums...that's it. hmmm. This is a future blog post if I can remember it.

9:35--So Ambitious feat Pharrell. Penultimate track!!! So excited to be done. And again, it's 38 seconds before the song actually starts. Me and Jay are going to have to talk about time management. Another song about his father. Am I just in a bad mood? Or is it really this old/tired/boring? I'll invite comments on that.

9:38--Is Jay-Z the Brett Favre of rappers? Good enough to pump out a few good games/tracks, but the rest of it is tired and below par? Used to have a drug issue? I think it works.

9:39--FINAL TRACK. Jay-Z rapping over forever young calls the track Young Forever. Ok, this might be the best track I've heard tonight (the last 6 tracks of the record). Jay-Z sounds fresh, and he flows well over the 80s synths.

9:42: Done, finally. Overall, 4 good tracks? Eh. I'm underwhelmed. Is Jay-Z relevant? Yeah. But mostly because of Beyonce.

How to Evaluate Weezer?

I mean, what the fuck Weezer? You release two of the best albums of the 90s, and now you’re a goddamn guitar playing traveling circus. If I saw you live, I don’t know if I’d laugh, cry, or fall asleep. Ever since Pinkerton (one of my favorite albums of all time) was released, I’ve had trouble evaluating any subsequent Weezer efforts.

I first heard Pinkerton late in my senior year of high school, a full six years after its original release. I was late for it, but it was perfectly in time for me. It was the perfect soundtrack to my growing infatuation and subsequent heartbreak before I left for college. I remember sitting in my 1983 Volvo 240DL and blasting the CD on the speaker system which was worth more than the car, pining after a tormenting myself over this girl. But this is neither a love letter to this girl or to Pinkerton, but a reconciliation of all Weezer efforts since then.

My idea is to take the six proper Weezer albums (Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Maladroit, Make Believe, and Red) and cull from that a best of record that fits on a CD. I don’t really have the time or expertise to start pulling together all of the b-sides, deserted albums, and Rivers Cuomo solo efforts and include them. We’ll go chronologically, and I’ll discuss my choices.

Weezer-Weezer (Blue)

Man, what a fucking debut. At first glance, I want to put My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So on the CD. Undone and Only in Dreams are great songs, but a little long. The rest are fairly easily excludable, as great surf rock tunes but a step below Weezer’s best stuff (with the exception of In the Garage…I may have to come back and include that one). I’m pretty sure about the first three. Say it Ain’t So would be one of my favorite Weezer songs, My Name is Jonas is a pretty great opener, and Buddy Holly is the token single.

So we’re left with:

My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So, clocking in at 10:23.

Weezer-Pinkerton

Widely panned after its release (further proving that Rolling Stone is a fucking awful arbiter of what to listen to—cancel your subscription and look elsewhere), this, to me, is the masterpiece. And the most difficult album to control myself with picking songs. If I have about 70 minutes left, I need to limit myself to 30 or 40 of Pinkerton. Luckily, the whole album is only about 35 minutes long, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Definitely going in: Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, and Falling for You. A couple of other tracks, Getchoo and Why Bother? are good songs that mirror the overall feel of the album, but much like the tracks I left out on the Blue album, are just a cut below the best ones. I’m leaving Butterfly out because it just isn’t mixed CD material. You come to that song in the middle of the CD and you’re skipping it I would imagine. I’m a little torn on Pink Triangle. The song is great, but the lesbian humor is a little sad or trite, I’m not sure. But, fuck it, I still like this song, it’s in. This leaves us with:

Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, Pink Triangle, and Falling for You, clocking in total at almost 27 minutes. We’re at 37 minutes total, with 4 of the 6 albums left to go. Luckily, I think this is a pretty good place to be in considering what I think the falloff in quality is going to be. Let’s find out.

Weezer-Weezer (Green)

I wasn’t the most excited person when I heard that the next album was going to be named after a color, similar to the first. If Weezer fans at the time were divided into camps, I was in the Pinkerton lot, not the Blue Album crowd. As many had expected, the record had a more polished, less raw feel than Pinkerton, yet its best moments were the raw ones. I think Hash Pipe is the gem of this album, and the only track where I feel like Weezer really let go, so it’s on there. Three other tracks are close calls for me (Don’t Let Go, Photograph, and Island in the Sun). All are pretty tracks, akin to some of the songs on the Blue Album, but maybe not quite as good or fresh. I’m on the edge about these. The rest are shit—shiny but not beautiful. Ok here’s what we’ll go with:

Hash Pipe, Don’t Let Go, and Island in the Sun, coming in at around 9:30, putting us up to about 46:25.

Weezer-Maladroit

I was excited at first about the release of this album. Finally, a named album, not a color! Of course, this was no Pinkerton, but it was a lot better than most people thought. This record rocks a little more than the Green album, and this obscures some of Rivers’ more annoying songwriting tendencies. Besides the weird opening and Cuomo talking/rapping through part of the song, American Gigolo is a good song, but man, that title too. Not sure on that one. We’ll definitely use Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December. Damn, there’s more good stuff on here than I thought. We’ll cut American Gigolo, but keep the other five. I’d say the middle three of what I picked are the strongest—at best they’d fit in Pinkerton and at worst they’re still damn good Weezer songs. The rest of the album is filler, some of it pretty awful (especially Possibilities and Love Explosion) So we’re left with:

Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December at around 13 minutes. Our total is now just under and hour, with two albums left. And don’t be mistaken, I’ll keep it at an hour if the rest is as bad as I seem to remember.

Weezer-Make Believe

Here’s where it got totally fucked. The opening track (Beverly Hills) sounds like a slowed down Kid Rock song, which is in and of itself so perplexing that I’m not sure I can keep listening to this. Ok, breathe.

Jesus, I forgot how bad this actually is. An awful take on Synth Pop (This is Such a Pity), unconvincing retreads (Hold Me and Peace), and perhaps the worst offender, We Are All on Drugs, set to the tune of the diaherrea song (you’re just going to have to listen to it and you’ll remember). And that’s just the first 6 songs!! Fuck! OK, I made it through, and luckily the second half of the record isn’t offensive, just boring. No tracks off of Make Believe.

Weezer-Red Album

Wait, didn’t the fans write some of this album? When did Weezer become a reality tv show, and do I really care? How many times have I actually listened to this album before today? (According to Itunes, 2). Sighs, 11 more songs and we’re done. At this point, I’m as ready as you are.

Ok, another dud first track (Troublemaker), I’m really over listening to Rivers Cuomo rap. Please stop. I think they tried to frame Heart Songs as a sequel to in the garage, but I think it’s more of a pussy retread. Which sounds dirtier than I meant it to. The Greatest Man that ever lived is out—I refuse to include songs with sirens. Godammit. Pork and Beans is out because of the stupid fan chosen title. The only two tracks that are getting close to this mixed CD are Dreamin’ and The Angel and the One. Dreamin’ has a nice melody, there’s no offensive rap-rock, but then there it comes, the awful lyrics—“Daddy says I gotta pay some bills/so I can learn to be responsible.” Really, you put that in a fucking song? I’m done with this shit. Fuck.

Ok, we’re cutting it off at 60 minutes, here’s the track list with album included. (edited for a real order, B-sides thrown in to get requisite length, if you want you can throw Butterfly and Only in Dreams on the end, because that's where they'd go)

1. Tired of Sex (Pinkerton)
2. Susanne (B-side/movie soundtrack)
   
3. Don’t Let Go (Green)
4. My Name is Jonas (Blue)
5. Hash Pipe (Green)
6. Say it Ain’t So (Blue)
7. No Other One (Pinkerton)
8. Across the Sea (Pinkerton)
9. The Good Life (Pinkerton)
10. El Scorcho (Pinkerton)
11. Keep Fishin’ (Maladroit)
12. The World We Love So Much (B)
    
13. Pink Triangle (Pinkerton)
14. Falling for You (Pinkerton)
15. Let’s Sew Our Pants Together (B)
    
16. You Won’t Get with Me Tonight (B)
    
17. Superfriend (B)
18. Death and Destruction (Maladroit)
19. Burndt Jamb (Maladroit)
20. Island in the Sun (Green)
21. Space Rock (Maladroit)
22. Buddy Holly (Blue)
23. December (Maladroit)