Things change as you get older, and it’s less a general feeling than the small realizations you have as your routines change.It’s Monday night—not even 10:30 and I’m already thinking about going to bed.Instead of having a beer while I write, I’m flossing my teeth.I’m flossing now!It’s good for my gums!I wonder if my mom reads this.And yes, part of me wishes that I was still spending my Monday nights eating 10 cent chicken wings, dollar slices of pizza and having dollar beers at Farmhouse Pizza, but it wouldn’t be the same.The food is more expensive, the bar more crowded, the owner replaced by his lackeys, and my friends replaced by douchey fratboys.But you gotta embrace that shit.I like going to bed early, and I’ve grown to love my first two cups of coffee in the morning.But I ain’t embracing this is my music.It just doesn’t age gracefully.Here are a few examples of things I don’t want to follow into my old age:
Wilco: Oy.They didn’t make this easy.There are some redeemable moments on the past couple of albums.Somehow, a song called Wilco (the Song) is really fucking good.Parts of Sky Blue Sky reflect the band’s growth over the years (You Are My Face and Side with the Seeds strike me as songs Tweedy couldn’t have written a few years back).But that same polish and maturity is also what destroys these records to some extent.Wilco was a sloppy love—the dirty piano drenched blues during the last minutes of Dreamer in My Dreams that recall Exile era Rolling Stones, the raw blood-draining vocals on We’re Just Friends, and the brazenly casual yet deliberate guitar playing that opens A Ghost is Born—these moments are missing on the past two records.But I don’t want Wilco to “find themselves” or try to somehow go back to what they were.You can’t fake these things, you can’t fake a feeling and make it sound that good.They’re a different band now.Somehwere along the line they decided to take the worst song on A Ghost is Born (Spiders: Kidsmoke) and use that as the template for most of their instrumentation.Sighs.It’s over like me staying up past 2AM.
Built to Spill: One of the first “indie” bands I ever listened to.There was this online service called Audiogalaxy where you could read about bands and download them for free.It’s where I found the White Stripes, Built to Spill, and more.Anyhow, Built to Spill were always one of the highest rated/most talked about bands on there so I checked them out and fell in love.That was nearly ten years ago.I’ve seen them in concert multiple times, and even passed my love of them down to my little sister.There’s Nothing Wrong with Love is a great pop album, the ones that follow just great guitar rock.There was a time when I could listen to their 20+ minute cover of Cortez the Killer and enjoy it…but now when I saw that the opener on You in Reverse was over 8 minutes long…I sighed.Maybe I’m growing old quicker than they are, but I doubt it.It’s just not new/fresh/exciting like it used to be.
Of Montreal: Basically, Hissing Fauna Are You the Destroyer is a motherfucking classic and if you create something that good you have to just quit.No way to satisfy anyone after that, least of all a needy bastard like me.I guess that Skeletal Lamping wasn’t that bad, but it was so shitty (and weird, frenetic, spastic) compared to Fauna that I didn’t even give it a chance.It’d be cool to see them try and come back and write some 3 minute pop songs and give up on the sexual transformation epic concept albums, but I don’t see that happening, so I’d rather not hear anything at all.
Ryan Adams: Only non-band here.I’m with Fran—this is just some awful shit that he keeps putting out.But I heard that he quit music and is writing a book with Mandy Moore?Or that’s what I remember from a drunken conversation with Deacon.Is that true? P.S. Deacon we tried to go back to the grey area but I think it’s closed and it wouldn’t have been the same without you.
Weezer: See my earlier column. Those fuckers.
*As a side note, I didn't forget about solo artists, I'm just having a hard time figuring out how they fit into this (with the exception of Ryan Adams).
**Pretty proud that I made it throughout this whole thing without saying “it’s better to burn out than to fade away.”
Sometimes, you can just feel it.Usually it starts with a record that’s pretty good but not quite as great as the ones before it.Because you love the band, you talk yourself into it, but deep down you know it’s not as good.But you trick yourself, and then when the next, even worse album comes out, you know for sure.But by then, you’re fucked.So, here we go:
Spoon: Just released their best album with the best song (The Underdog) in their catalog.Then, a mediocre EP about a month ago.I get the feeling that the next album is going to be a step back, and then it’s all fucked.And I LOVE this band, but I get the feeling it’s time.I’m rooting against it though.
Radiohead: Not fully because they’ve already kind of broken up, but it might have been nice if they had called it quits after either Amnesiac or Hail to the Thief.The pricing scheme on In Rainbows made everyone overlook the fact that they were paying tuppence for a b-sides collection.They’ve announced they’re not really looking to do full-length albums anymore because of their personal lives.This is ok.They gave us the seminal indie rock records of the late 90s and early aughts, and that’s plenty.
The New Pornographers: The band I was thinking of when I wrote the intro to this section.Mass Romantic and The Electric Version are must-haves.Twin Cinema is very good, but drops a level from the first two.When I go back and listen to them, I never go to Twin Cinema first, the album is about half-duds.Challengers is worse, maybe 2 or 3 good tracks.Couple this with A.C. Newman’s disappointing second solo effort, and the evidence points to this band being done.
The Flaming Lips: Saw them live a couple of weeks ago, show was great, but they played maybe one new song.They have a new album coming out this year and I’m interested to hear it, but after the fall off between Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and At War with the Mystics, it’s a little hard to see a huge comeback.They’ve been around for a long time, especially for indie-rock standards, and while it would be a shame to see them go, it may be time.
Modest Mouse: I was more sure on this one before I heard the EP they released recently, No One’s First and You’re Last.This was a supposed collection of B-Sides, but was as good as anything they’ve done since The Moon and Antarctica.Now I’m not sure—We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank wasn’t that great and looked like they were on the downturn—but this EP makes me think I was calling this one early.
The White Stripes: This one hurts.The last record was pretty good, and I rooted for it and defended it but now I just cannot anymore.Icky Thump is just not as exciting as Get Behind Me Satan was, and not as consistent as any of the previous records.There are some serious missteps there (Prickly Thorn but Sweetly Worn and St. Andrews) that render the middle of the record unlistenable.And despite some truly good tracks around them, I think the next album will be even more painful in parts.
So there it is.I love these bands and wish that it was still the same, but it ain’t.Coming Sunday or Monday, Part 3—bands that should have broken up already.
The most famous band breakup of all time yielded very little musically. George Harrison's first solo effort, All Things Must Pass, is probably the best of any post-Beatles effort. Ringo isn't in the discussion, and McCartney and Lennon ironically but not surprisingly could never duplicate the greatness they achieved together (though Ram and Plastic Ono Band come somewhat close). Of course, any worthwhile music in these efforts is just a bonus. The real reward here, thing thing that I am thankful for, is that they did breakup. All things must pass. The Beatles knew this, if not consciously, then at least subconsciously. Why?
Every good band should break up. The history of music is fraught with examples, but since we're talking about the Beatles, maybe we'll just compare them to their counterparts,The Rolling Stones. Count me out of any chance these days to go see the carcasses of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards at $200 a pop. By all accounts, this band should have been dead by 1978, and earlier if not for the surprising Some Girls. Since then, the Stones have released at least 7 or 8 mediocre studio albums and at least as many unessential live records. When I think about the Stones, I'm immediately filled with loathing. Why are they still around? At this point they've just become a parody of themselves. Even if they wrote a decent record (which is highly unlikely for so, so many reasons), it would still fall far short of Exile on Main St or Out of Our Heads etc.
There is just no way for a band to maintain that kind of peak that produces great albums for more than 10 years or so. The Beatles, Stones, Zeppelin, and others have proved this over and over again, and this is not limited to classic rock. To prove my point, we'll use some modern and semi-modern examples. I've decided to group these bands into three....yeah, three categories. This isn't an exhaustive list, just an illustrative one. Feel free to point out additions or argue in the comments section. As I see them:
The Lucky Ones (Bands that broke up at the right time)
Nirvana: Um, ok, so they didn't "break up." Cobain died. But, he died at the right time. He died leaving two or three masterpiece albums, and allowed Nirvana to get out before all of their imitators clouded the market. Who was looking forward to strife between Nirvana and the Stone Temple Pilots? Did anyone really want to listen to a Dave Grohl side project later on? Erm...ok, point taken. But Nirvana's musical record is perfect, unmarred by sidesteps or the dreaded "experimental" album.
Pavement: Yep, Stephen Malkmus is still making records, and they're still pretty good. But by all accounts the last two Pavement records were mostly him anyway. This is a bit of a different case. As the band progressed, they got a little tighter, musically, but the sloppy brilliance was beginning to lose it's shine later on. Suddenly, these guys weren't 20 years old anymore, and the half-finished nature of their earlier songs was disappearing, for better or for worse. Don't get me wrong, I think Brighten the Corners is a fantastic album, but when you hear Stereo and Shady Lane, there's no doubt that this band is completely different than the one who gave you Summer Babe and No Life Singed Her.
TV on the Radio (Partial): Just announced they'll be taking a break, there are some side projects coming, perfect timing. Just released a ridiculously new/fresh/transcendental/otheroverlypraisingadjective album in Dear Science, and how the fuck do you possibly follow that up? You don't. Just give up. You hear that kids? Just give up. I'd make a great high school teacher.
The Shins: Maybe should have broken up before the last album (Wincing the Night Away), but it gave us two great songs (Australia and Sleeping Lessons) so I'll put the Shins here. Thankfully, James Mercer fired his bassist and drummer, one of whom is now running a taco truck in New Mexico (ok, I'm not sure if that's exactly right but you can fact check for me if you want). Either way, the Shins as we know them are no more. Good. Two classic records, a pretty good third, and we don't have to sit through an average at best 4th. Instead, we get whatever weird shit Mercer cooks up for us.
Outkast: Another asterisk would be necessary here if I gave a shit. Ok, Speakerboxxx/The Love Below were really solo records maybe but damn that shit was good. And so was everything before it. Now they make movies (and no, Idlewild doesn't count as an album). Um, ok. But at least they're not making mediocre rap albums with Lil whoever. There will never be another Sorry Ms. Jackson, Bombs Over Bagdahd, or ATLiens.
Whiskytown: Ryan Adams' first band, based out of my hometown, and one perfect album, called Pnemounia. Later, Adams would make another near perfect record in Heartbreaker, and then he should have retired. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Sleater-Kinney: Retired after their masterpiece, The Woods. Now Carrie Brownstein is doing musical commentary on NPR's All Songs Considered and writing a blog called Monitor Mix. The Woods is a modern day Led Zeppelin album, and better than anything Page/Plant have done/touched since 1975. These girls could wail in a way that Wayne Campbell would have loved. Tia Carrera, eat your heart out.
The Velvet Underground:Broke up before they sold any records or made any money. Now the first band name dropped once you're too cool for Stones/Beatles/Zeppelin. I mean their name is the fucking Velvet Underground. How cool is that. A friend of mine who was introduced to them recently told me that they put into music like no one else the feeling/ecstasy/comedown of being completely fucked by drugs (I'm paraphrasing). Of course, that sound, just like that high, could not be sustained. UPDATE: Actually, I just asked her for the quote, and she said "it makes me feel like I want to be completely fucked by life," but she cannot remember the exact conversation either.
I should have ended this earlier. Off to bed.
Coming tomorrow, current bands that need to call it quits.
Not pickup lines, but opening lines to albums. Meaning the first words on the first song. The most important lines in the album--if you don't catch your listener in the first track, they might put the album down. Of course, that doesn't mean the first track has to have a great opening line, but it's got to have something. Some great first lines are poetic, some are funny, and some just do a damn good job of introducing the rest of the album.
Great opening tracks in general or great lines would be much wider nets, and the opening track idea has already been done in the seminal music snobbery movie High Fidelity. So we're going to focus on first lines. Here's what I got (and would also really appreciate suggestions):
Artist-Song (Album): Lyrics
Bob Dylan-Like a Rolling Stone (Highway 61 Revisited: Once upon a time / you dressed so fine / threw the bums a dime in your prime / didn't you? / people'd call / say beware doll / you're bound to fall / you thought they were all / a kiddin' you
Deer Tick-Ashamed (War Elephant): I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet / but I am broken and torn with heels on my feet / and with your purest lifeline won't you shine on me / why I shoulda' been an angel / but I'm too dumb to speak
Devin Davis-Iron Woman (Lonely People of the World, Unite!): It's hard to live in a basement / and not get carried away / when you're a caveman on the pavement / in the USA
Interpol-Untitled I (Turn on the Bright Lights): Surprise sometimes / I'll come around / I will surprise you sometime / I'll come around
Wilco-Misunderstood (Being There): When you're back in your old neighborhood / the cigarettes taste so good / but you're so misunderstood
Concretes-Say Something New (The Concretes): What a strange thing to say / as you passed me on / your way out / and all the things I had in mind / for you and me / well say something new
Kelley Stoltz-Wave Goodbye (Below the Branches): Find a thing that / makes you happy / find a thing that / gets you high / pack your worries / in a suitcase / send them off and / say goodbye
Kings of Leon-Knocked up (Because of the Times): I don't care what nobody says / we gonna have a baby / taking off in a coupe de ville / she buckled up on navy / she don't care what her mama said, no / she's gonna have my baby
Magnetic Fields-Absolutely Cuckoo (69 Love Songs): Dont' fall in love with me yet / we only recently met / true I'm in love with you but / you might decide I'm a nut / give me a week or two to / go absolutely cuckoo / then when you see your error / then you can flee in terror
Modest Mouse-Third Planet (The Moon and Antarctica): Everything that keeps us together is falling apart / I got this thing that I consider my only art / of fucking people over
The National-Fake Empire (Boxer): Stay out super late tonight / picking apples / making pies / put a little something in our lemonade / and take it with us
Bon Iver-Flume (For Emma, Forever Ago): I am my mother's only one / it's enough / I wear my garment so it shows / now you know
Silver Jews-Random Rules (American Water): In 1984, I was hospitalized for approaching perfection / slowly screwing my way across Europe / I had to make a correction
Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson-Buriedfed (Self-Titled): This is my last song about myself
Avett Brothers-The Traveling Song (A Carolina Jubilee): Well I guess if my daddy hadn't brought me up / down a long dirt road in a pickup truck / I'd feel alright neath city lights / couldn't lead the city life / it just ain't right.
Beach Boys-Wouldn't It Be Nice (Pet Sounds): Wouldn't it be nice if we were older / then we wouldn't have to wait so long / and wouldn't it be nice to live together / in the kind of world where we belong / I know it's gonna make it that much better / when we can say goodnight and stay together
Bill Callahan-Jim Cain (Sometimes I wish we were an eagle): I started out in search of / ordinary things / how much of a tree bends in the wind / I started telling the story without knowing the end
Chad Van Gaalen-Willow Tree (Soft Airplane): Sleep All day / just waiting for the sun to set / I hang my clothes / up on the line / when I die / I'll hang my head beside the willow treee / when I'm dead / is when I'll be free
Neil Young- (Harvest): Think I'll pack it in / and buy a pickup / take it down to LA / find a place to call my own / and try to fix up/ start a brand new day
Of MOntreal-Doing nothing (Adhils Arboretum): Nothing / we're doing nothing / sitting and wondering / why nothing's happening?
Whiskeytown-The Ballad of Carol Lynn (Pneumonia): Loving You / has gotten weird
White Stripes-You're Pretty Good Looking for a Girl (De Stijl) Oh yeah / you're pretty good looking / for a girl
Weezer-Tired of Sex (Pinkerton): I'm tired / so tired / I'm tired of having sex
The Velvet Underground-Candy Says(The Velvet Underground): Candy says / "I've come to hate my body / and all that it requires / in this world"
The Shins-Caring is Creepy (Oh, Inverted World)- I think I'll / go home and mull this over / before they cram it down my throat
Spoon-Everything Hits at Once (Girls Can Tell): Don't say a word / the last one's still still stinging
The Wrens-The House that Guilt Built (Meadowlands): Its been so long / since you’ve heard from me / got a wife and kid / that I never see / and I’m nowhere near / what I dreamed I’d be / I can’t believe / what life has done to me
Thunderclap Newman-Something in the Air (Hollywood Dream): Comb out the instigators / because there's something in the air / we've got to get together sooner or later / because the revolution's here
As you probably read on other people's facebook status' or twitter (I'm assuming no one actually watches these things after they get out of middle school...hmm maybe should replace "assuming" with "hoping"), Kanye West made quite the impression last night after Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video at the MTV Video Music Awards. A quick recap: Taylor Swift wins award, says thanks in short speech, and Kanye jumps in, takes the mic, and says "Yo Taylor I'm really happy for you, I'm gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time." Crowd unhappy. People mad at Kanye? My thoughts? Glad you asked.
I love Kanye. Not for his leftish-leaning politcal rants, not for his music (which is often great but falls prey to many of the same issues plaguing all rappers these days), and not for his style, but for his passion.
As for last night's event, he owes Taylor Swift an apology. No doubt. That said, he's one of my favorite artists out there because of what he did. He has opinions about music, it's not just something he does, but an integral part of his life. Last year facing the death of a family member and the loss of a fiancee, he refused to retreat, and instead put his issues into his music. I thought the album (808s and Heartbreak) was great, less because of the music, and more because of the emotion. He's a man that cannot separate his life from his music, and we're all better off for it (um, except for Taylor Swift I guess). And shit, this is even better than that--Kanye's not just passionate about his own music, but passionate about someone else's. I guarantee that Kanye's heard more music than just about every other artist that was present last night. It's hard to imagine many other musicians today getting that impassioned about someone else's work.
Point being, that fuck all of these sad sacks who have their songs and music written for them, and at the end of the day cannot wait to escape the studio or whatever so they can go take pictures for the new issue of In Touch and talk to their agent about getting into the next Hannah Montana movie. Kanye may be brazen and egotistical, but at least he gives a fuck about music. That's something I can identify with.
So the new Jay-Z album came out today, destined to be one of the three rap albums I hear per year. Which got me to thinking--is Jay-Z still relevant? Does this record matter if it isn't any better than Reasonable Doubt or the original Blueprint? My first thought was that yes, it matters, because he dates this young lady. This thought was echoed by a friend, meaning that it wasn't only me that first thought of Ms. Knowles. But would Jay-Z take comfort in that? What a sad state of affairs it must be for him if his credentials are provided not by himself, but by 1/3 of Destiny's Child. And who knows what the relationship is like now that the power/fame/talent equilibrium is shifting quickly, but that's a question for someone else. Instead, I'm going to "live-blog" my first listen to the album. In quotes because really I'm typing into a Word Doc and then pasting this later. But, you get the point. Anyhow, The Blueprint 3 is no lightweight, with 15 songs coming in at under an hour. This better be good, because I'm delaying watching the first episode of Season 3 of The Wire for this. So, eh, here goes:
10:11 PM--Fuck, this is going to take an hour, and I have to be at work early to go to Baltimore. Oh well. First track is "What we Talkin' About" feat. Luke Steele. Nothing that impressive in the lyrics, mostly a repeat of talkin about ____ or about ____. Now fill in 2 opposite things. Like truth and fiction. I can't remember if he said white or black but it would have been fitting. 1:36 in a bridge, now he's got a kind of sing-songy voice but not saying anything more interesting. Not one to judge early but this could be a long fucking hour. I mean who likes this track? Not really something for headphones, and I can't see people dancing to this. Even the weird dancing chicks at K Street Lounge and their apparent sugar daddies probalby wouldn't get into this, and they were dancing to fucking Nickelback. I'm bored. 30 second outtro.
10:17--track 2, finally (had to pause for a bit). Called Thank You, no feat. Ok...so on this one he starts by thanking his fans...and then he starts bragging about all he's done. What the fuck? If this is our song, as he says, why brag? What kind of person has to validate themselves while issuing a thank you? Even after millions of albums? And just missed it but a reference to an "8-ball." When was the last time Jay-Z dealt drugs? Did drugs (marijuana doesn't count)? Blah. Maybe he doesn't have anything to rap about anymore.
10:21--bored and checking my email. Fuck. 10:22--Third track is DOA, Death of Autotune. And I actually like the instrumentation here, a little guitar, a little sax, a little rap. This track could hold up to some other things he's done. I mean a lot of less than clever braggadocio, but he gets away with it here because of the overall sound. That said, Autotune ain't always bad, as Kanye proved last year and I explained in my year end piece. As the track closes, I will say that his words just aren't pulling me in the way they need to on this album. Not sure if it's because I'm tired, or this album is tired.
10:25--getting some ice cream. Need to buy some good shit because my roomate eats the store brand. Some things are worth paying for. Good ice cream is one of them.
10:26--Track 4 Run This Town with Rihanna and Kanye. Ok, I like this song. I think it was on a commercial. First one where I feel like I want to go back to the beginning and hear it again. Another guitar in the background, pretty bare other than that and some drums. He's singing a bit here, and holding hard to the rhyme scheme and the guitar line. Melodies sound good, who knew? Solid opening couplet about the color black. Seriously.
10:31--Eyelids getting heavy. Fuck I'm old. Is it sad that I want to stop listening to this and go read my book before I go to bed? I may be my father's son, but I've adopted way too many of my mom's habits.
10:32--Track 5, Empire State of Mind, pushing on. Featuring Alicia Keys, apple of Bob Dylan's eye. More upbeat and a heavier bass than we've heard thusfar. "I'm black (not the word he used) Sinatra." Nice. The high notes on the piano are good, balance out the low lines. Guarantee I'm going to watch some drunk girls dance to this song this fall. You will too, especially if you live in New York City. Name-drops Lebron and D-Wade. Alicia Keys only sings the chorus, guess she didn't want to rap on this one. Pretty good chorus though. WAIT, she does fucking rap, unreal. Hold on I gotta listen to that again. Ok, kind of, it's a rap/sing, but she does do that "uh, yeah, uh, yeah" stuff on the beat, which is...disturbing/definitely means it was a rap? Ok, what started off as a total failure has picked up from tracks 3-5.
10:38--Track 6, Real as it Gets feat. Young Jeezy. Ok, fuck this, I dont' give a shit about Young Jeezy, I'm out for this track. Why must there be guest spots? I really don't get it. Your fans bought your album, impress them. If that means it's gotta be 12 tracks instead of 15, fine. Or, join the Wu-Tang Clan and you can all rap. But this is a Jay-Z album, I only want to hear Jay-Z rap, and whoever the fuck he wants to sing the choruses. Next track.
10:40--On to the Next one feat. Swizz Beatz This sounds like a Nelly song. Is Nelly featured (checks computer)? Nope. Wouldn't be surprised. References the Jonas Brothers (does Jay-Z have kids? is this because they played with Stevie Wonder? what the fuck?). This track sucks. "On to the next one."
10:42--This goes quicker when i skip the second half of the track, noted. Track 8 Off That feat. Drake. I think we could cut 30 second off of every track if we didn't have to listen to Jay-Z and his guest start talk (and, now that I think about it, 30 seconds off the end if we took out the outtros). Ok this sound is a bit different, but I'm not sure if I like it. Is that a xylophone? Uh, ok. Shout out to Barack, and then "tell rush limbaugh to get off my balls." Which I guess is kind of funny, and sounds good, but can't he do better than that?
10:46-- Track 9 A star is born. Still referencing P-Diddy. Then illmatic. Others. This is like Rivers Cuomo singing Heart Songs. Also reminds me of people reminiscing about how great high school was. Either way, I'm not interested.
10:49--I'm reading The Historian, by the way. It's pretty good, at least early on. At this point it has more pull than the past 3 songs.
10:50--Ok, I couldn't make it through the whole thing. To be continued...
A couple of days later...
Ok, got 6 more tracks to get through. Let's do this shit.
9:25--Track 10 Venus vs. Mars. Just finished an episode of the Wire so not jonesing for that as much as last time. Is this like men are from mars, women are from Venus? Let's hope not. Rhymes: She's a mac, I'm a PC. Sighs. Done with this one. Really? Jay-Z, you're looking to self-help books for inspiration? Fuck. "shorty like pepsi, me I'm a coke man." Did you get the double entendre? Good job.
9:27--Track 11, Already Home feat Kid Cudi. Ready for this to be over. Not much going on in this song until about 0:52 in. Wasted time. The rest of the song isn't objectionable. But I think Jay-Z needs me to edit his songs. Or he needs to stop giving out these guest spots to singers and guarantee them a useless 1:30 sandwiching what people actually bought the CD to hear. At this point, I'm just frustrated, this song isn't bad but I'm skipping it and what is probably a 45 second outtro.
9:30--Track 12 Hate feat Kanye. I like Kanye, how's this gonna go? Forgettable. I started checking my email and got distracted.
9:32--ok, halfway through the next track when I finally get back to it. Called Reminder. This isn't awful but the chorus kind of sucks. Sounds like a guy singing after inhaling helium. Big fucking claim: "only the Beatles, nobody else ahead of me." Umm...no. I mean...just, no. Later, I'm going to figure out how many are ahead, I'm sure it's at least 5, maybe 10. 3 or 4 great albums...that's it. hmmm. This is a future blog post if I can remember it.
9:35--So Ambitious feat Pharrell. Penultimate track!!! So excited to be done. And again, it's 38 seconds before the song actually starts. Me and Jay are going to have to talk about time management. Another song about his father. Am I just in a bad mood? Or is it really this old/tired/boring? I'll invite comments on that.
9:38--Is Jay-Z the Brett Favre of rappers? Good enough to pump out a few good games/tracks, but the rest of it is tired and below par? Used to have a drug issue? I think it works.
9:39--FINAL TRACK. Jay-Z rapping over forever young calls the track Young Forever. Ok, this might be the best track I've heard tonight (the last 6 tracks of the record). Jay-Z sounds fresh, and he flows well over the 80s synths.
9:42: Done, finally. Overall, 4 good tracks? Eh. I'm underwhelmed. Is Jay-Z relevant? Yeah. But mostly because of Beyonce.
I mean, what the fuck Weezer?You release two of the best albums of the 90s, and now you’re a goddamn guitar playing traveling circus.If I saw you live, I don’t know if I’d laugh, cry, or fall asleep.Ever since Pinkerton (one of my favorite albums of all time) was released, I’ve had trouble evaluating any subsequent Weezer efforts.
I first heard Pinkerton late in my senior year of high school, a full six years after its original release.I was late for it, but it was perfectly in time for me.It was the perfect soundtrack to my growing infatuation and subsequent heartbreak before I left for college.I remember sitting in my 1983 Volvo 240DL and blasting the CD on the speaker system which was worth more than the car, pining after a tormenting myself over this girl.But this is neither a love letter to this girl or to Pinkerton, but a reconciliation of all Weezer efforts since then.
My idea is to take the six proper Weezer albums (Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Maladroit, Make Believe, and Red) and cull from that a best of record that fits on a CD.I don’t really have the time or expertise to start pulling together all of the b-sides, deserted albums, and Rivers Cuomo solo efforts and include them.We’ll go chronologically, and I’ll discuss my choices.
Weezer-Weezer (Blue)
Man, what a fucking debut.At first glance, I want to put My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So on the CD.Undone and Only in Dreams are great songs, but a little long.The rest are fairly easily excludable, as great surf rock tunes but a step below Weezer’s best stuff (with the exception of In the Garage…I may have to come back and include that one).I’m pretty sure about the first three.Say it Ain’t So would be one of my favorite Weezer songs, My Name is Jonas is a pretty great opener, and Buddy Holly is the token single.
So we’re left with:
My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So, clocking in at 10:23.
Weezer-Pinkerton
Widely panned after its release (further proving that Rolling Stone is a fucking awful arbiter of what to listen to—cancel your subscription and look elsewhere), this, to me, is the masterpiece.And the most difficult album to control myself with picking songs.If I have about 70 minutes left, I need to limit myself to 30 or 40 of Pinkerton.Luckily, the whole album is only about 35 minutes long, so this shouldn’t be too hard.Definitely going in: Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, and Falling for You.A couple of other tracks, Getchoo and Why Bother? are good songs that mirror the overall feel of the album, but much like the tracks I left out on the Blue album, are just a cut below the best ones.I’m leaving Butterfly out because it just isn’t mixed CD material.You come to that song in the middle of the CD and you’re skipping it I would imagine.I’m a little torn on Pink Triangle.The song is great, but the lesbian humor is a little sad or trite, I’m not sure.But, fuck it, I still like this song, it’s in.This leaves us with:
Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, Pink Triangle, and Falling for You, clocking in total at almost 27 minutes.We’re at 37 minutes total, with 4 of the 6 albums left to go.Luckily, I think this is a pretty good place to be in considering what I think the falloff in quality is going to be.Let’s find out.
Weezer-Weezer (Green)
I wasn’t the most excited person when I heard that the next album was going to be named after a color, similar to the first.If Weezer fans at the time were divided into camps, I was in the Pinkerton lot, not the Blue Album crowd.As many had expected, the record had a more polished, less raw feel than Pinkerton, yet its best moments were the raw ones.I think Hash Pipe is the gem of this album, and the only track where I feel like Weezer really let go, so it’s on there.Three other tracks are close calls for me (Don’t Let Go, Photograph, and Island in the Sun).All are pretty tracks, akin to some of the songs on the Blue Album, but maybe not quite as good or fresh.I’m on the edge about these.The rest are shit—shiny but not beautiful.Ok here’s what we’ll go with:
Hash Pipe, Don’t Let Go, and Island in the Sun, coming in at around 9:30, putting us up to about 46:25.
Weezer-Maladroit
I was excited at first about the release of this album.Finally, a named album, not a color!Of course, this was no Pinkerton, but it was a lot better than most people thought.This record rocks a little more than the Green album, and this obscures some of Rivers’ more annoying songwriting tendencies.Besides the weird opening and Cuomo talking/rapping through part of the song, American Gigolo is a good song, but man, that title too.Not sure on that one.We’ll definitely use Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December.Damn, there’s more good stuff on here than I thought.We’ll cut American Gigolo, but keep the other five.I’d say the middle three of what I picked are the strongest—at best they’d fit in Pinkerton and at worst they’re still damn good Weezer songs.The rest of the album is filler, some of it pretty awful (especially Possibilities and Love Explosion)So we’re left with:
Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December at around 13 minutes.Our total is now just under and hour, with two albums left.And don’t be mistaken, I’ll keep it at an hour if the rest is as bad as I seem to remember.
Weezer-Make Believe
Here’s where it got totally fucked.The opening track (Beverly Hills)sounds like a slowed down Kid Rock song, which is in and of itself so perplexing that I’m not sure I can keep listening to this.Ok, breathe.
Jesus, I forgot how bad this actually is.An awful take on Synth Pop (This is Such a Pity), unconvincing retreads (Hold Me and Peace), and perhaps the worst offender, We Are All on Drugs, set to the tune of the diaherrea song (you’re just going to have to listen to it and you’ll remember).And that’s just the first 6 songs!! Fuck!OK, I made it through, and luckily the second half of the record isn’t offensive, just boring.No tracks off of Make Believe.
Weezer-Red Album
Wait, didn’t the fans write some of this album?When did Weezer become a reality tv show, and do I really care?How many times have I actually listened to this album before today?(According to Itunes, 2).Sighs, 11 more songs and we’re done.At this point, I’m as ready as you are.
Ok, another dud first track (Troublemaker), I’m really over listening to Rivers Cuomo rap.Please stop.I think they tried to frame Heart Songs as a sequel to in the garage, but I think it’s more of a pussy retread.Which sounds dirtier than I meant it to.The Greatest Man that ever lived is out—I refuse to include songs with sirens.Godammit.Pork and Beans is out because of the stupid fan chosen title.The only two tracks that are getting close to this mixed CD are Dreamin’ and The Angel and the One.Dreamin’ has a nice melody, there’s no offensive rap-rock, but then there it comes, the awful lyrics—“Daddy says I gotta pay some bills/so I can learn to be responsible.”Really, you put that in a fucking song?I’m done with this shit.Fuck.
Ok, we’re cutting it off at 60 minutes, here’s the track list with album included. (edited for a real order, B-sides thrown in to get requisite length, if you want you can throw Butterfly and Only in Dreams on the end, because that's where they'd go)
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