How to Evaluate Weezer?

I mean, what the fuck Weezer? You release two of the best albums of the 90s, and now you’re a goddamn guitar playing traveling circus. If I saw you live, I don’t know if I’d laugh, cry, or fall asleep. Ever since Pinkerton (one of my favorite albums of all time) was released, I’ve had trouble evaluating any subsequent Weezer efforts.

I first heard Pinkerton late in my senior year of high school, a full six years after its original release. I was late for it, but it was perfectly in time for me. It was the perfect soundtrack to my growing infatuation and subsequent heartbreak before I left for college. I remember sitting in my 1983 Volvo 240DL and blasting the CD on the speaker system which was worth more than the car, pining after a tormenting myself over this girl. But this is neither a love letter to this girl or to Pinkerton, but a reconciliation of all Weezer efforts since then.

My idea is to take the six proper Weezer albums (Blue, Pinkerton, Green, Maladroit, Make Believe, and Red) and cull from that a best of record that fits on a CD. I don’t really have the time or expertise to start pulling together all of the b-sides, deserted albums, and Rivers Cuomo solo efforts and include them. We’ll go chronologically, and I’ll discuss my choices.

Weezer-Weezer (Blue)

Man, what a fucking debut. At first glance, I want to put My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So on the CD. Undone and Only in Dreams are great songs, but a little long. The rest are fairly easily excludable, as great surf rock tunes but a step below Weezer’s best stuff (with the exception of In the Garage…I may have to come back and include that one). I’m pretty sure about the first three. Say it Ain’t So would be one of my favorite Weezer songs, My Name is Jonas is a pretty great opener, and Buddy Holly is the token single.

So we’re left with:

My Name is Jonas, Buddy Holly, and Say it Ain’t So, clocking in at 10:23.

Weezer-Pinkerton

Widely panned after its release (further proving that Rolling Stone is a fucking awful arbiter of what to listen to—cancel your subscription and look elsewhere), this, to me, is the masterpiece. And the most difficult album to control myself with picking songs. If I have about 70 minutes left, I need to limit myself to 30 or 40 of Pinkerton. Luckily, the whole album is only about 35 minutes long, so this shouldn’t be too hard. Definitely going in: Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, and Falling for You. A couple of other tracks, Getchoo and Why Bother? are good songs that mirror the overall feel of the album, but much like the tracks I left out on the Blue album, are just a cut below the best ones. I’m leaving Butterfly out because it just isn’t mixed CD material. You come to that song in the middle of the CD and you’re skipping it I would imagine. I’m a little torn on Pink Triangle. The song is great, but the lesbian humor is a little sad or trite, I’m not sure. But, fuck it, I still like this song, it’s in. This leaves us with:

Tired of Sex, No Other One, Across the Sea, The Good Life, El Scorcho, Pink Triangle, and Falling for You, clocking in total at almost 27 minutes. We’re at 37 minutes total, with 4 of the 6 albums left to go. Luckily, I think this is a pretty good place to be in considering what I think the falloff in quality is going to be. Let’s find out.

Weezer-Weezer (Green)

I wasn’t the most excited person when I heard that the next album was going to be named after a color, similar to the first. If Weezer fans at the time were divided into camps, I was in the Pinkerton lot, not the Blue Album crowd. As many had expected, the record had a more polished, less raw feel than Pinkerton, yet its best moments were the raw ones. I think Hash Pipe is the gem of this album, and the only track where I feel like Weezer really let go, so it’s on there. Three other tracks are close calls for me (Don’t Let Go, Photograph, and Island in the Sun). All are pretty tracks, akin to some of the songs on the Blue Album, but maybe not quite as good or fresh. I’m on the edge about these. The rest are shit—shiny but not beautiful. Ok here’s what we’ll go with:

Hash Pipe, Don’t Let Go, and Island in the Sun, coming in at around 9:30, putting us up to about 46:25.

Weezer-Maladroit

I was excited at first about the release of this album. Finally, a named album, not a color! Of course, this was no Pinkerton, but it was a lot better than most people thought. This record rocks a little more than the Green album, and this obscures some of Rivers’ more annoying songwriting tendencies. Besides the weird opening and Cuomo talking/rapping through part of the song, American Gigolo is a good song, but man, that title too. Not sure on that one. We’ll definitely use Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December. Damn, there’s more good stuff on here than I thought. We’ll cut American Gigolo, but keep the other five. I’d say the middle three of what I picked are the strongest—at best they’d fit in Pinkerton and at worst they’re still damn good Weezer songs. The rest of the album is filler, some of it pretty awful (especially Possibilities and Love Explosion) So we’re left with:

Keep Fishin’, Death and Destruction, Burndt Jamb, Space Rock, and December at around 13 minutes. Our total is now just under and hour, with two albums left. And don’t be mistaken, I’ll keep it at an hour if the rest is as bad as I seem to remember.

Weezer-Make Believe

Here’s where it got totally fucked. The opening track (Beverly Hills) sounds like a slowed down Kid Rock song, which is in and of itself so perplexing that I’m not sure I can keep listening to this. Ok, breathe.

Jesus, I forgot how bad this actually is. An awful take on Synth Pop (This is Such a Pity), unconvincing retreads (Hold Me and Peace), and perhaps the worst offender, We Are All on Drugs, set to the tune of the diaherrea song (you’re just going to have to listen to it and you’ll remember). And that’s just the first 6 songs!! Fuck! OK, I made it through, and luckily the second half of the record isn’t offensive, just boring. No tracks off of Make Believe.

Weezer-Red Album

Wait, didn’t the fans write some of this album? When did Weezer become a reality tv show, and do I really care? How many times have I actually listened to this album before today? (According to Itunes, 2). Sighs, 11 more songs and we’re done. At this point, I’m as ready as you are.

Ok, another dud first track (Troublemaker), I’m really over listening to Rivers Cuomo rap. Please stop. I think they tried to frame Heart Songs as a sequel to in the garage, but I think it’s more of a pussy retread. Which sounds dirtier than I meant it to. The Greatest Man that ever lived is out—I refuse to include songs with sirens. Godammit. Pork and Beans is out because of the stupid fan chosen title. The only two tracks that are getting close to this mixed CD are Dreamin’ and The Angel and the One. Dreamin’ has a nice melody, there’s no offensive rap-rock, but then there it comes, the awful lyrics—“Daddy says I gotta pay some bills/so I can learn to be responsible.” Really, you put that in a fucking song? I’m done with this shit. Fuck.

Ok, we’re cutting it off at 60 minutes, here’s the track list with album included. (edited for a real order, B-sides thrown in to get requisite length, if you want you can throw Butterfly and Only in Dreams on the end, because that's where they'd go)

1. Tired of Sex (Pinkerton)
2. Susanne (B-side/movie soundtrack)
   
3. Don’t Let Go (Green)
4. My Name is Jonas (Blue)
5. Hash Pipe (Green)
6. Say it Ain’t So (Blue)
7. No Other One (Pinkerton)
8. Across the Sea (Pinkerton)
9. The Good Life (Pinkerton)
10. El Scorcho (Pinkerton)
11. Keep Fishin’ (Maladroit)
12. The World We Love So Much (B)
    
13. Pink Triangle (Pinkerton)
14. Falling for You (Pinkerton)
15. Let’s Sew Our Pants Together (B)
    
16. You Won’t Get with Me Tonight (B)
    
17. Superfriend (B)
18. Death and Destruction (Maladroit)
19. Burndt Jamb (Maladroit)
20. Island in the Sun (Green)
21. Space Rock (Maladroit)
22. Buddy Holly (Blue)
23. December (Maladroit)

The Rolling Stone

While not a regular reader, I could not help but notice that the most recent issue of The Rolling Stone proclaimed the forthcoming U2 album a "Masterpiece" and gave it RS's most prestigious honor, a 5-star rating. I was a little surprised. To be honest, I wrote U2 off a while back, I think around the time the time of their 1997 release, Pop (with such great hits as "Discotheque"). Subsequent releases revealed anthemic but unemotional songs that I found easy to ignore. With No Line on the Horizon, however, I may be forced start paying attention again when it is released on March 3rd.

On the other hand, RS is by no means perfect. Historically, they panned almost every Led Zeppelin releasecalled Layla bloated, and trashed Pinkerton. Wary of this, I went back and took a look at every album that RS has given a 5-star rating to since 2000. The following is a complete list (I only included new albums, no best-of compilations or re-releases):

Bruce Springsteen-Working on a Dream (2009)
Bruce Springsteen-Magic (2007)
Bob Dylan-Modern Times (2006)
Kanye West: Late Registration (2005)
Damon And Naomi-Earth is Blue (2005)
Brian Wilson-Smile (2004)
Beastie Boys-To the 5 Boroughs (2004)
White Stripes-Elephant (2003)
Bruce-Darkness on the Edge of Town
Beck-Sea Change (2002)
Bruce Springsteen-The Rising (2002)
Mick Jagger-Goddess in the Doorway (2001)
Bob Dylan-Love and Theft (2001)

Take out RS's unrepentant boner for Bruce Springsteen, and that's only 9 albums in the past 9 years that have garnered 5-stars. Take out the sentimental picks (both Bob Dylan albums, the horrible Mick Jagger album, and the Beastie Boys past their prime/911 sympathy), the album that was written in the 60s (Smile), and you're left with four albums in the past 9 years to take the honor. A big fucking deal. Seriously. That means this new U2 record needs to be better than everything released last year (as there were no 5-star records according to RS). EVERYTHING. I'm skeptical to say the least, especially based on their track record. A co-worker of mine thinks they paid off David Fricke to write this review. While I'm not that jaded, if this record turns out to be horrible I might start being a little more suspicious.

P.S. I compiled the list of albums manually, so I may have missed something (for some dumb reason, you cannot search the RS website for 5-star albums).