Coldplay is going to sell more records and concert tickets than every other band I've talked about on here, combined.[1. It's science.] Which, in and of itself, is a good reason to take 44.1 minutes[1. According to iTunes. Again, with the science.] and give an impression of Coldplay's new record, Mylo Xyloto. Wow, that is a ridiculous album title. It's their 5th full length record, following 2008's Viva la Vida, which was terrible. Actually, I thought 2005's X&Y was pretty awful as well, so I haven't liked a Coldplay record since 2002's A Rush of Blood to the Head. I was in fucking high school when that came out. But it was good. "The Scientist" and "Clocks" are good songs. Let's see if Coldplay can recapture any of that magic...
Photo by Jeremy M Farmer
1. Mylo Xyloto: It hurts to type that. The opening sounds like the Beatles, which I guess is not weird, as Chris Martin probably feels like he can a must make a record as good as them. This is a huge band. Do they feel the pressure to create something great every time out? Or have they resigned themselves to the fact that they cannot do that? Moreover, would it matter either way?
2. Hurts Like Heaven: This sound isn't awful. There are textures here (it's almost twee in parts), but man, the chorus is bad: "you use your heart as a weapon / and it hurts like heaven"
3. Paradise: Finally the first noticeable piano. A little late for that, no? The bass here is stronger than I would have expected. But hearing Martin sing "she dreamed of para...para...paradise" really isn't pleasant. The piano gets caught under strings after the first verse, which kind of sucks. This chorus is truly unlistenable. Please make it stop.
4. Charlie Brown: Ohh man, bad song title. Nobody could possibly make a good song about Charlie Brown. I should do a song title workshop. Plus, the opening sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks, not Charlie Brown. The song attempts to use that soft loud dynamic perfected by the grunge bands of the late 80s/early 90s, but Martin can't bring himself to be quiet enough to make it work. There are some real production issues here. I wonder if they had someone else doing this if it would/could actually sound better.
5. Us Against the World: Ok so you wrote a ballad, and your voice is nice, but what did you actually say, Mr. Martin?[1. Turns out...not much. The lyrics are so vague I'm having trouble imparting any meaning whatsoever. And unless you're Robert Pollard, that's not a good sign.] Wait, I'm sorry, you wrote a song called "Us Against the World?" Are you serious? In a purely musical sense[1. No politics on this blog. This is the Minimum Blues, not the maximum.] you are the 1%. So...you can't sing a song where you play the underdog. But it would be pretty badass if you wrote a song about being the musical 1%. Now that, that I would listen to happily.
6. M.M.I.X.: So...there are three "transitional" songs on this record, running under a minute, without vocals. That's kind of a new things for Coldplay. This one serves as the intro for the next song, and nothing else. Waste of space.
7. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall: So this is the single, eh? Not really that impressive to start. A synth and acoustic guitar. The electric guitar sounds very Edge/U2-esque. How many times are heaven and heart referenced on this record? Whatever it is, it's too many. This song feels like being really tired but unable to fall asleep because you drank too much caffeine. The video is worse.
8. Major Minus: I actually like the opening guitar lick, but...too soon after that Coldplay feel very focused on becoming the next U2. Everything has to become bombastic within the first minute, it seems. There's no texture here, and it ruins what actually could have been a strong song for the record/band. I mean, I understand that you're going to play in every fucking arena you can fly your private jet near and the song either has to make your fans cry or go crazy, but you can add that all at the live show later, right? No room for solid mid-range tracks on the record? Sighs. Still, this may be the best song on the record.
9. U.F.O.: And on cue, here's another sad acoustic cut. But...U.F.O. is your song title? Come ON guys, we can do better than this. Teenage girls don't want heartfelt ballads called "U.F.O." Couldn't we have called it "A Long Way to Go?" At least that would have been innocuous. The best thing about this song is that it's only 2:18 long.
10. Princess of China: Well hello, Rihanna. You could have picked a better project to collaborate on than this, right? The synth sounds like something Kanye West trashed four years ago.
11. Up in Flames: Another ballad? You have got to be kidding me.
12. A Hopeful Transmission: Why do you give song titles to 30 second instrumentals that serve no purpose? Just make it part of the next song, or leave it out.
13. Don't Let it Break Your Heart: I was really hoping this was going to be Neil Young cover, but it's not. This song is really loud. I guess there's no need to worry about compression of FM radio if you do all your own audio compression in-house.
14. Up With the Birds: Ugh. We're finally here, and we are ending, surprise surprise, with another slow song. How is one supposed to sort through this dreck? Actually, there's a bit of a reprieve about 2 minutes in. The song changes pace some, we get some acoustic guitar, and while the words are insufferable, it's musically interesting on some small level.
Final Verdict: Unless you loved X&Y and Viva La Vida...you're probably going to want to skip this. Coldplay are doing nothing to suggest they may be able to recapture the sound that first made them famous. There are literally hundreds of records in 2011 that are going to be a better listen than this.[1. Again, science.]
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