Volume 9: Kids These Days

Photo by thecountryfan

So the Missus and I got into a conversation last night about the (perceived?) gap between music today that is culturally popular and critically acclaimed. So I decided to spend an hour today watching The Cool TV, a channel that comes in on our antenna and which plays only music videos. We’ve watched it a little bit before, mostly for laughs, but I thought it would be a decent reflection of what an average person listens to during their day. It ended up reminding me of sitting in the dentist’s office and listening to what they tune into every day, only it was more painful. Let’s roll the tape:

11:19 Kid Rock is the first thing I see, alternately “playing” an electric guitar while standing in the middle of a field of crops and on a beach. He looks a lot like Sawyer from Lost. I’m guessing this song is called “Born Free,” considering how often he’s saying it. His voice is pretty damn ragged, and there’s not a beautiful thing about that. This is boring. I am worried for the kids of today. Going to focus on my orange juice and bran muffin for a bit.



Photo by paulswansen

11:23 First commercial is for Bosley Hair “Restoration.” Is this what Wayne Rooney got? Cool TV’s demographic for weekdays is balding men? Hm. Or maybe bloggers, the second commercial is for an online backup service. The best is the third. Universal Technical Institute, or UTI for short. Might want to rethink that acronym, fellas.

11:26 We’re back, and it's 311's "Creatures (For a While)." Wait, 311 is still making music? I really like this band in 7th grade, which was....more than fifteen years ago. How old is this song? (googling) Turns out this is from 2003’s Evolving, though the band did release a record THIS YEAR. From the AllMusic review: “311 are the grizzled greybeards of alternative music.” And that was in 2003. Now...the old folks home of alternative music?

11:30 Coldplay! "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall." From their forthcoming record which has a weird name. I think Chris Martin is having a seizure in this video. Nope, that’s the stop-motion camera they’re using. Now I’m the one about to have a seizure. Must. Stop. Watching. At least this song is new? Technically, at least. People with pacemakers should not be allowed to watch this video. People with any semblance of musical taste should also probably avoid it. This is a cheap U2 ripoff and I don’t even like U2. But seriously, I can’t watch the video for more than 3 seconds without going dizzy. Please stop Cool TV, please stop.



Photo by Joshua Mellin

11:35 Lil Wayne’s How to Love from The Carter IV. I think there was a girl about to get an abortion, and now it’s Lil Wayne without a shirt sitting beside an acoustic guitar, which is magically playing in the background. His voice is furiously autotuned yet still somehow out of tune. The plot to this video is a mess. A girl grows up, is too hot and has no father and then becomes a stripper. This is as musically painful as the Coldplay video was visually. And then, the stripper is told she has HIV! Bombshell. Wildly out of place. I think Lil Wayne is offering words of wisdom, but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. And then the stripper gets married and is in GED classes? Or is this an alternative future? I’m so confused.

11:39 Cool tv quiz, who said: “I’ve never had problems with drugs, I’ve only had problems with the police.” 1999. Probably some washed-up alt rocker. Scott Weiland? Correct Answer: Mick Jagger. Damn.

11:40 Commercial break. Taking deep breaths. These commercials are not made for people with jobs, yet also not made for me.

11:43 Joan Jett "I love Rock ‘N Roll": Weird. I mean they’re really spanning the time spectrum here. Joan Jett is not attractive in any way. She looks like a skinny Roseanne Barr. And sounds like her too. Is this video set in the Cheers Bar? Amazingly, this video is more boring than all the previous ones. It’s like they hadn’t figured out that you need a little more than the band performing the song. I will now go read the internet while it plays.

11:47 Beth Orton’s "Central Reservation." Never heard of her. Plot: she’s dashing down the median of a dirty street. Now she’s taking her clothes off. She gave her dress to an old Latino man, and now they’re dancing together. Now she’s walking with the dress again and gives it to a midget. She’s a little...wider than your average pop star. As in, she looks like a normal person. The song is innocuous. Way too innocuous to be a single. This song is 12 years old, wow! How did they pick this one out? How many closet Beth Orton fans are out there? At least one that works for The Cool TV.

11:50 I’m now halfway through my pledged hour. My orange juice and bran muffin are gone, and Beth Orton is still on TV. I don’t know if I’m going to make it. And just in time, here’s another “UTI” commercial.



Photo by lexmccall

11:54 And we’re back. I can do this.

11:55 Secret Machines’ "Lightning Blue Eyes." I used to listen to these guys. They made a good record once, but this wasn't on it. Let’s see how it is. Video is in black and white. A bunch of people going to a club to see a show. Nope, it’s a pool hall. No discernible characters yet. Some semi-attractive women at a bar, and now we’re following one of them...and there is a show, behind the pool hall. Is this about how when you’re only a semi-successful band, you only get semi-attractive groupies? Also...if you’re having your band perform in front of a crowd on video, wouldn’t you want it to be full? There’s like 15 people in this club. Oh, and this song isnt’ great. Silly that you have a song called “Lightning Blue Eyes” but you cannot show anyone with Blue Eyes because your video is in B&W.

12:00 Michael Jackson’s “Hollywood Tonight” from Michael. A girl gets off of a bus, now she’s in a dance class. No sign of Michael. She wants to bea movie star? “She’s going Hollywood, she’s going Hollywood tonight” is the chorus. This is pretty fucking awful. Oh! There’s Michael, kind of. He’s on a videoscreen billbboard, looks like old footage. Girl heads to many auditions. Now, she’s stripping. Man, these videos love strippers as a plot point. I’m using the word “plot” loosely, mind you. She just saw the Michael Jackson “star” on the Hollywood walk of fame or whatever, and she touched it longingly. Strange. Please make this stop.

12:04 Jason Derulo’s “It Girl.” Another one in B&W. He just told a girl that she meant more to him than a Grammy Award. God help us if this guy ever gets one. No discernible plot here, just him in some fancy clothes. Oooh! There’s a scene in color! With Mimosas! Speaking of which...Two minutes later the song is done and I think I heard the chorus 27 times.



12:07 Mercifully, we’re back to commercials.

12:09 You know it’s bad when the background music for a Peachtree commercial has a better melody than most of your songs.

12:10 Nicole Scherzinger’s “Posion.” This isn’t all that bad, though her lip syncing is noticeably off in the video. She’s some sort of superhero. She’s in a white bodysuit that is not unattractive. Still, the song isn’t good enough from keeping me watching attentively. I think this is loosely based on Batman, she has a weird Catwoman-type suit in addition to the white one.

12:14 We’re nearing the end. It’s Decemberists' "Calamity Song" based on a scene from David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest. Cool book scene. Video? We’ll see. Strange video idea. Kind of misses how high on drugs all of the spectators were, IIRC. Really cool idea for a game though. But...there’s not much fun in actually watching tennis balls hit fake targets. The description by DFW was (of course) better than this video, though I like the director, Dan Harmon. I would have picked a different scene from the book. The Decemberists leadsinger does not make a good Hal Incandenza. Interesting idea, but the execution was off.



12:18 last video! It’s Kings of Leon’s “Sex on Fire.” Of course it is. Fitting. They made a good record by the way (Youth and Young Manhood) and had another good song once (“Knocked Up”). But this shit is awful. This Sex is on fire? Please. I’m done.